Saturday, July 5, 2014

July 5, 2014

1:45pm
This day had so much potential for being a good day. That only lasted about 2 hours. Now ... I'm back to hating my life. I just want to leave so bad ...
Got some painting done after I cleaned cages ... before the bitch started threatening the cat again ... I'm just so tired of it all ...

3pm
Well, that went well ... Finally, blew up at my mom; she said a lot of hurtful things which is nothing new, but this time was too much. I'm so over this life ... I've been crying all day.

4pm
Of course, she acts like nothing happened ...

Oh, good. I've got a bid on the tire chains I have listed on eBay! That auction ends in 2 days. Need to sell more than that!

I found some Woodland FaceBook buy, sell, trade groups and joined them. Hope to get rid of some of this stuff soon ... it's going to be really hard to part with some of it. But, there is a lot of it that I never wanted. But, being the only child/grandchild, etc. I ended up with it all ... so, that stuff will be first to go. So. Books and my grandma's religious crap.

Just left a bunch of the swap groups I was in on Swap-Bot. Cutting back on those drastically. :( Dropped a few 'Liked' pages on FaceBook. Need to drop some more ...

I've gotta get those A/C parts put on tomorrow. I dread doing that. I have to turn all the power off at the main box, just to be safe ... and be very careful of the discharge on them ... I hate messing with electricity. Probably why I still haven't put up all the kitchen lights and fans I bought last year ...

5pm
She just asked if I was going to the craft circle tomorrow ... told her I'm not going any more ... she says 'I don't mind you going' ... as if I need her god damned permission! I actually found a closer group here in Woodland at the library that I had been thinking of going to in the future, but that's none of her business any more.

6pm
Listening to some Daniel Vitalis interviews, trying to calm down ...

Great. She finally apologized. Too little, too late ... she says she thought I knew that what she says doesn't really mean anything. That when she threatens to get rid of Ezra, it's just talk. Yeah, right. Until the time when it's not. It's one of the reasons I try not to work long hours. I'm always afraid that I'll come home and some of my kids are missing. I reminded her earlier that they ARE my kids; the only ones I'll ever have and ever wanted. I asked her if they were human kids, would she be constantly threatening to get rid of them because they were inconvenient or upset her. She had no answer. I also reminded her that the adage of 'sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you' that it is really 'words will EVER hurt you' and they last a lifetime.

What really upset me earlier and I think hurt the most is that she told me to get thick skin. I told her I've never had thick skin and after all these years she should know that about me. She really doesn't know me at all and she never will.  I told her some things can never be un-said and that's why I rarely say anything. I could say some things that she'd never get over, either. So many things I've wanted to say and don't ... I'm not the type of person to hurt people like that even though I'm related to many who have deserved what I want to say. But, I've always tried to ignore all the hurts thrown at me. But, like I said, I've never had thick skin and I don't talk. So, I take it all in. And, it hurts. And, I'm just so tired of it all.

I just can't stop crying now ... can't even finish listening to the interviews ...

1 comment:

Jack O'Neill said...

Awww. Hugs, Kim!

That sucks